When satire hits home

Fiction indeed mirrors reality more than we would ever want it to...

From The Onion:

Latest Study Finds Cancer Cells Now Cruelly Mocking Researchers

ROCHESTER, MN—Stating that cancer cells are now “laughing in our fucking faces,” a new Mayo Clinic study with widespread implications for the treatment and potential cure of the disease has found that the malignant growths have begun cruelly mocking researchers. 


The findings—published this week in a rambling, expletive-laden 8,000-word article in The Journal Of The American Medical Association—provides the strongest evidence yet that abnormal cells targeted with cutting-edge cancer treatments are basically flipping off scientists left and right, and get a huge kick out of making oncologists feel like a bunch of bumbling dipshit chumps...

..."You can almost hear them cackling at us while they spread to the lymph nodes,” he added.

According to the study, researchers now have a much better sense of the molecular and cellular basis of tumor growth, including the ingrained sense of entitlement that reportedly drives cancer cells to grow irregularly until they become one big fuck-you to scientists.

The report confirmed that while all types of carcinomas are beginning to make researchers feel like garbage, myeloma cancer cells in particular think they’re God’s gift just because they’re resistant to the frontline drug Velcade.

Researchers found that in addition to those toxic cells, basal cell carcinomas also get a “certain sick joy out of smacking researchers around like a bunch of little bitches.”

“Several years ago, when you looked at cancer cells under a microscope, they weren’t such huge jerks,” said Dr. Karen Phillips, an oncologist at Johns Hopkins Medical Center. “But now they are playing with us—taunting us even. For example, one minute, ovarian granulosa cell tumors and other stromal malignancies are being successfully destroyed with a cisplatin and etoposide combination chemotherapy. But the next minute, those shit-eaters are overexpressing the BRCA1 locus protein and triggering the expression of the antiapoptotic protein survivin, thus protecting ovarian cells from cisplatin-induced survivin down-regulation and making them completely chemo-resistant.”